Why do you think that women have difficulty owning their sexuality?
I think there are few reasons. For one we have been repressed for a long time, women are not supposed to admit that they feel sexy or that they have a sex drive. It seems like in our society for women sex is something that you give, it's not something that you share. Like when you “Lose your virginity,” you let that guy have sex with you. It's not like we shared an experience. I think from a young age girls are taught that sex is something to keep a secret and that we are not allowed to be empowered by sexuality. We are not allowed to admit that we have sexual desires, that we feel horny and we want to have sex.
Also the ratio of women being abused sexually or raped in their lifetime in the United States is 1 in 4. So 1 in 4 women have had a seriously traumatic sexual experience, that's part of it too. We are not giving ourselves permission to heal because of things like slut shaming, or judging other women insinuating it might be their fault because they were “Acting slutty,” or maybe leading that guy on. It adds an element of shame and that shame prevents women from talking. Women are part of the problem too, we judge each other all the time, for having too much sex or for dressing a certain way.
The female orgasm is a very mystical thing and you have to teach yourself how to have an orgasm, it’s not straightforward like for a man. When we grow up learning that our vaginas are gross or bad or ugly or smelly and you're not supposed to touch yourself because that's bad then women are not even enjoying sex or their sexuality. They are not having orgasms and they are embarrassed to say so, they're afraid and then sex becomes all about pleasing the partner and not about enjoying themselves.
What do you think is the top belief system or mental shift that women can make so that they can start having greater sexual experiences?
I think that I can break it down into two powerful affirmations.
I am enough.
I have a right to feel pleasure.
Whoever I share myself sexually with it's a privilege for them. I’m mindful about when and where and with whom. If I share that sacred energy that guy better be damn grateful.
Sexual energy for women is the energy of creation. How you create life is with sex. For me personally if I supplement that energy into other creative projects I desire a lot less from someone else because I’m channeling that creative energy into something productive.
After my last relationship ended I took that same creation energy and started a yoga school, I built my website, my studio, and a curriculum. In another long distance relationship whenever we weren't together I was writing books. I have written four books in the last three months and I think part of the reason I was able to do that is because the energy that I would normally be putting towards my sexuality, and enjoying ourselves together, I put it in this project.
How can a woman begin to raise her sexual vibration?
I think one really good way to start is to look at yourself in the mirror every day. Rather than look at your faults look at all the parts of yourself that you love. I think raising your sexual vibrations really means feeling confidence and empowered in yourself sexually. One of the best ways to do that is to feel really good about your body. I think alot of women don't share themselves sexually because they are afraid of how they look or how they're going to be perceived. Start with confidence and also forgive yourself for your past, that's a huge part of healing and having a positive vibration. I can look at my past now and say if I had the opportunity I would choose differently, but I can't go back so I am going to forgive myself and have compassion. It's the same thing with women who have been abused sexually or raped or taken advantage of. They can't forget but they should try to forgive, not only the abuser but also themselves. It’s common for women who have been taken advantage of to feel guilty or mad at themselves, and a huge part of healing is forgiveness and then confidence and that too can raise your sexual vibrations. Forgive yourself of your past and then empower yourself in the now.
In your program you mention being mindful during sex, how can women practice that?
In yoga they use the term brahmacharya, in western terms this means celibacy. In yoga they call it sexual purity but interestingly enough brahmacharya if we break it down it's a compound word. The word Brahma is like God, the creator, spirit or the universe and charya means to follow. So brahmacharya this idea of sexual purity is also connected to this thought of using your sexual energy in a way that brings you closer to God or using your sexual energy in a way that brings you closer to spirit. Many religious traditions have this idea of celibacy or abstinence and it's this idea that you can't focus on your spiritual pursuits, if you're having sex it's distracting. I think that's why it was translated as celibacy, it's like you're not following spiritual pursuits if you are in pursuit of the flesh.
But to me I see it as a mindful conservation of my sexual energy, so for me brahmacharya means when I have sex or a sexual encounter I need to be using the experience to make myself feel closer to the God of my own understanding or the spirit. So for me being mindful and sexy is being really aware of when I am going to have sex with someone and is it going to fill me up spiritually or is it going to defeat me spiritually.
If I’m sexually acting out that's going to bring me a host of bad feelings after, either feeling mad at myself and then engaging in negative self talk. So being mindful is speaking about using your sexual energy in a way that's going to uplift you spiritually.
• Incorporate the Yamas (A Set of Yoga Ethics)
• Practice Ishvara Pranidhana (to surrender) learn to surrender to your partner
• Practice Saucha (cleanliness) make sure that you are clean and ready to be with someone and not just clean of the body, clean of the mind, ensure the area where you have sex is beautiful and uncluttered
• Meditate on feelings of enough and feeling like I deserve to have pleasure
Lauren has studied, taught and practiced yoga across 6 continents and in over 30 countries for over a decade. Her yoga retreats and teacher trainings have received international praise and she’s been featured in numerous publications including The Daily Mail and Women’s Health.
Learn about the Yoga Academy International founded by Lauren Rudick
Learn more about Lauren at LaurenRudick.com
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